Happy bi visibility day, y’all. This day should, of course, be about bisexuals and the struggles that bisexual people face, but let’s be real. There’s a bigger issue here, and I’m not afraid to talk about it: pansexuality.

Yes, for my bisexual audience out there, it’s true: the pans lack self control to the point that they will fall for anyone and everyone. Bisexuals know their target group is women and (exclusively feminine) men, but pansexuals will seek someone out regardless of gender identity or physicality. It makes me sick. And I say seek out, but more they just glance at another person and melt.

You think you’re so cool and modern and inclusive? You think you’re so much better than being bisexual just because the preferences you were born with and can’t really control encompasses almost every single group possible? You couldn’t just pick a lane or two, could you?

I hear what you’re saying: aren’t bisexuality and pansexuality similar by definition? Aren’t I just arbitrarily picking something to be petty and divisive about? Don’t we have enough infighting in the LGBTQIA+ community already without having to pit the two groups against each other? Shouldn’t bi visibility day be about lifting bisexuals up without putting others down?

I hear what you’re saying, and I choose to ignore it. Bisexuals need to rise up against the pansexuals. Clash in the streets! Riot! But no kissing! Absolutely no kissing!