BLUESKY — America’s favorite short-form blogging website, Bluesky, has begun enforcing new policies that their PR team has stated will “prevent them from receiving any accusations of responsibility.”

The social media app, which champions its distinctions from competitors like Threads and Twitter/X, has sent its moderation team after minority groups who are not behaving in a way that is acceptable to their (straight, white, conservative) userbase.

“There is a standard of expectations,” says one of the Bluesky higher ups, who has chosen to comment on the death of Charlie Kirk before the genocide in Gaza or trans rights or other high-profile shootings. “And that standard is to be completely respectful for all people. So naturally that means targeting minority figures and left-leaning people on the app. This is a solid and sound move by our team and will not lead to our irrelevancy in a marketplace of apps that have all of the same functionality as ours.”

This policy, which they’re calling the “we’re absolutely not shooting ourselves in the foot” policy, is sure to do exactly what we all need right now: to police the victims of hateful speech more and to give more safe space for the perpetrators.

“Saying this like ‘Rest in Piss’ will no longer be allowed on Bluesky,” one moderator says. “It’s disrespectful to Charlie Kirk, and those that are currently also resting in piss, like Margaret Thatcher.”

While it’s unclear how exactly this will solve any of the current issues in the political climate, I’m sure they know exactly what they’re doing over at Bluesky headquarters.