Charlottesville, VA — In between moments of thinking “Holy shit, is this an actual debate?” and “Holy shit, this is supposed to be a debate,” there was a secret third thought in the minds of many Americans Tuesday night: I’ve gotta skip town and move to Minnesota.

I can’t even name a second city in the state, much less point to it on a map, but after that debate, I’m so hyped for a place that I’m not even sure actually totally exists at all. Rarely has someone managed to bring state circlejerking to the same caliber as Texans as Tim Walz did on Tuesday night.

And it worked. Number one in this, number one in that, best state for this, and yada yada. I’m so pumped for it I didn’t even fact check. So I’m officially moving to Minnesota.

And no, this isn’t one of those empty promises where I say “I’m moving to Canada if Trump wins,” this is very real. For starters, it sounds like there’s actually shit in Minnesota. I’m not totally sure if I’ll need a visa or something to get there, but you can bet your happy ass I’ll be finding out.

Anyway, some other takeaways from the debate: J.D. Vance almost came across as normal, and Tim Walz almost successfully pulled it back by the end. Or, at least, that’s what everyone else is saying. I tuned it out after looking into flights for Minneapolis.

Flights right now are cheap, too. There’s no holiday until Halloween, and frankly, who’s going to be flying for Halloween? Is there a genre of Hallmark movies where it’s a businesswoman from a big city coming back to her childhood hometown to meet a man who runs a Spirit Halloween, and together they find the true meaning of… Halloween? All I’m saying is, make that hometown a rural place in Minnesota and I’m sold.

Now to work on my accent so I can pretend I was one of the hardworking people who made the state what it is today.